Evil Woodpecker: April 2005

First of all, I couldn't keep track of time all day. I was working feverishly on something that had something to do with the website launch today, though honestly, I can't recall precisely what it was. At one point I looked up and it was 11:30 AM. The next thing I knew, it was 3:30 PM, and I was calculating how much time it would take to go over and pick up my son at school to get him back in time for his baseball game, and then calculating the probability of whether or not he would actually be there to be picked up, since I never got confirmation from him regarding this plan. (I HATE it when information is relayed via third party; the signal to noise ratio deteriorates by at least a POWER.) My wife said the night before, "Nick wants to be picked up at school at 3:50 PM so he will have plenty of time to get to practice, so he won't be late, so he won't be placed lower in the batting order."

As it turned out, I had just enough brains actually working in my head to call the school as I drove there, to see if they could MAKE sure he would be there. The secretary who I talked with said, "Yes, there should be enough time to get the message to him."[before the bell rang, I assumed, thus rendering this kind of student-runs-with-note-to-class or secretary-uses-classroom-intercom practically impossible.] As it turned out, he had not been planning on anyone picking him up, and he would have gotten on the bus had it not been for the secretary/student/intercom message.

Time, though.

We picked up his little brother at daycare, though Elder Brother didn't believe this would allow him enough time. I said time would be rather limited, as I had to get him to his game, get back to get dinner into Younger Brother, before shuttling him to HIS practice, from whence we would return to Elder Brother's game already in progress. Somewhere in this mix would be my wife, though I can't remember where.

So, in addition to feeling like I'd lost vast chunks of time during my working day, or perhaps had actually been abducted by space aliens or evil government agents and experienced "Missing Time", I had this weird need to be in two places at the same time. This need was dismissed by a rain cancellation by the two different coaches, and replaced with a need to go get pizza with wife. I knew she'd show up again in this story.

She told me what kind of pizza to order on the phone, and so I ordered them, but I was rather fuzzy-headed while on the phone with the pizza person. I wasn't paying attention when they told me how long it would be before my pizzas were ready. I think I was distracted by the incredulous tone she used when I told her what I was REALLY going to pay because I had COUPONS.
"Coupons?!!" she asked.
"Yes, COUPONS."
I informed her that the real bill was actually going to be about $11.00 cheaper, and then she agreed and told me when my pizzas would be ready, but I had been abducted again, or something, because when my wife asked me when the pizzas would be ready, there was just this gray static where the relevant information should have been.
"About thirty minutes," I lied.
I realized this would give me enough time to give my father a quick call. Today is his birthday, and I forgot to get him a card, because I thought April 15th was next week, even though I had been planning for several weeks to go on an overnight trip with friends for April 15th, because it is my friend's wife's 40th birthday. Except that actually her birthday is on Saturday, and that's when we needed the babysitter.

This morning, I had a sinking feeling when I heard stuff on the news about tax day, because it made me realize that I had spaced sending my dad a card or present in time for his birthday. So anyway, during the hypothetical pizza baking time of thirty minutes, I figured I could get a quick call in to my dad, so I at least wouldn't totally forget him.

Forty-five minutes later, my wife was hollering up the stairs at me about the pizzas that were ready fifteen minutes ago, so I hurriedly signed off with my parents and got ready to head to Pietro's, home of incredulous pizza people.
"Where have you been?" I asked, noting my wife had on her coat.
"I've been out on the porch with Younger Son, where you sent us almost an hour ago."
"Oh." I said, which seemed appropriate.
Younger son had developed a nastier version of his ever-present cough, so in my medical wisdom, I advised him to stand on the porch and breathe cool, moist air.

It hadn't helped much, and his cough seemed to be getting worse, if anything. There was debate over whether we would eat the Incredulous Pizza at Pietro's or bring them back. Then we did go, but brought them back. At dinner, Younger Son coughed worse and worse, prompting us to call a doctor who told us to bring him to the ER. From time to time he has bouts of what appear to be asthma, but turn out to be something more benign. It is still scary at the time for him and us.

At the ER, I gave him my watch to hold, because for some reason, I thought it would give comfort to him, and it actually seemed to. We did the usual hospital stuff, and when the doctor announced that he didn't have the dreaded asthma, we were all relieved. This doctor even gave us tons of prescriptions so Younger Son could get over this whatever-it-is, including Albuterol for the Nebulizer, which is totally great medicine for children who have almost-Asthma.

Because wife was tired, I dropped prescription off at the drug store, where they told me it would be about twenty to thirty minutes before they could get it filled.
I said, "So, if I come back at ten o'clock, you'll have everything ready?" (This pharmacy was famous in our family for being very slow about things.)
"Definitely," said the young man.
So we went home, which usually takes about ten minutes. Once I got home, I hung around for what seemed like ten or fifteen minutes, drinking water, taking Vitamin C, talking to my wife, Younger Son, Elder Son, etc., etc, then I said: "Well, I better get back to pick up the medicine, " because I figured they would have it ready just as I arrived.

See, 7-10 minute ride from drug store; 10-15 minutes at home; 7-10 minute ride back to the store. Since I'd left the drug store at 9:30 PM, this meant that they would be done, assuming they weren't lying, or space aliens or evil government agents didn't abduct me again as they had earlier in the day. I should point out that when I left, I didn't bother looking at my watch, because I am very good (usually) at feeling what time it is. I knew how long it took us to get home. I knew how long I'd spent at home. I knew how long it would take me to get back to the drug store.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I arrived at the drug store, and saw on my car clock that it was 9:40 PM. How weird, I thought, adjusting my car clock's time. I started worrying there might be a problem with my car's electrical system. Maybe my battery was running down or something, though, if it couldn't run a digital clock correctly, how in hell could it turn over the starter and crank a 4.6 liter V8 engine. My watch said it was seven minutes past ten, so I hurried into the store to grab my kid his drugs.

"I'm sorry, but we don't have your medication ready yet," said the lady behind the counter, "We're running behind tonight."
Typical, I thought. I went outside to phone my wife.
"They're doing it again. Prescription isn't ready."
"Well, it's only five minutes 'til ten. Give them another five minutes," said my wife.

It was then that I realized what happened. My five year old had played with my watch and adjusted the time forward. It explained everything, except why my car's clock said 9:40 when five minutes later my wife said it was 9:55.

The only logical explanation is that my car's clock had been running ten minutes behind. I knew my wife's clock was accurate within the minute, because I synchronized one of my other watches with the atomic clock, and then noted that my cell phone clock (which I didn't bother to look at for some reason during all of this) is synched to the phone company, and it is within 15 seconds of the atomic clock. I know, because I did all this last week. While I was doing it, I noticed my wife's clock had the same time as my cell phone, so it was accurate, too.

What's weird, is I recently adjusted my clock's time because of daylight savings time. I did this two wednesdays ago. But this was before I synched several of my wrist watches to the atomic clock. Also, the one I was wearing was a wind-up that is impossible to synch to the second.

I experience another type of time distortion when I go to the local Safeway. Since they remodeled, I get extremely confused sometimes if I am tired and not thinking clearly. The store resembles the Hannaford Shop & Save we used to shop at in New Hampshire. So, in certain circumstances, I may actually think I am back in New Hampshire for a few seconds, before I realize that I am three thousand miles away. Wal-Mart can do that, too, which is why I try not to go to Wal-Mart or Safeway. The time distortion here is on an order of years, because it has been close to four years since we lived back in NH.

When I was younger, I had an idea that if you went into any JJ Newberry's in the country, you could come back out in Laconia, NH if you concentrated. I viewed them as portals. This kind of travel is no longer possible since Newberry's went out of business. There used to be a Newberry's in Laconia. It was my favorite store as a kid, because they had a lunch counter where you could get grilled cheese and chocolate milk shakes if you pestered your parents a little, but were good the rest of the time.

It is now 11:33 PM and I swear to God I hear birds singing outside the way they do in the morning. Something is going on here.

When I got home, I noticed the antique clock in the living room had stopped, so I opened the door to wind it up. The springs didn't need winding. I worried something might be going wrong with the mechanism. It is very old, after all. Now I hear it ticking away steadily.

I don't think there is anything wrong with the antique clock mechanism or the electrical current in my car clock or in my old wind-up wrist-watch.

There's something wrong with time tonight.